September - Change underway

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly”, Henri Bergson

Change became a poignant reality for me in September. My final redeployment discussion confirmed I would be redundant at the end of the year. I was grateful to my manager, who provided genuine care and support, amidst the cold, formal process. A lawyer-scripted letter read verbatim over Zoom. A SharePoint form that needed a digital signature to acknowledge my understanding and confirm my mental stability. A promised career for life ended, and we moved on to the next business.

After years of travel, my last business trip felt awkward and a bit surreal. I felt embarrassed communicating my departure to my peers. When an opportunity to do the same work at another company came up, I applied, even though I knew I didn’t truly want it. I was surprised at how swiftly the rejection came. 

How was I handling change? Meditating and journaling helped maintain self-awareness. I was deep in my counselling and coaching training, and found immense support from my fellow students. As the first day of my new life approached, my perspective began to shift. I wasn’t leaving university without any money, a job or a plan. I was on solid ground - financially stable, with a home, a family, and most importantly, not alone.

Somehow, I was handling this period differently. I wasn’t disassociating, but embracing my emotions. I noticed how intertwined my job was with my sense of self-worth. Losing motivation at work meant cutting corners and not delivering at the level I had before, making me feel guilty and somehow disappointed in myself. At the same time, I was angry. My relationship with my career had changed, as the unwritten lifelong contract broke, and the promise and expectations for the future evaporated. It was understandable that I would only give the minimum.

The process of peeling back layers of my inner self continued. My perspective towards one of my key strengths changed. Over the last decade, I had prided myself on my authenticity - fearlessly giving my opinion and saying what I think. Yet, I realised this was only partially true; my work persona meant that I was not expressing my true self and hid my vulnerabilities.

The documentary movie The Hill inspired me. The son of a famous motor racing driver overcomes a series of mental obstacles to win the world title. In the final race, where he must finish ahead of his nearest rival, he feels an unknown force taking over and guiding him to victory. He believes his father was with him, steering him towards triumph.

I felt the weight of sadness that comes with letting go of the past, as well as the promise of moving forward. I was transforming and forging deeper connections with those around me. I embraced spirituality and faith in the unknown. Feeling guided along an unfamiliar path, I took a back seat. Navigating change requires trust and the belief that we will be guided to a place where we can flourish in ways we never thought possible.