June 2025 - I didn't see the early exit date coming

The possibility of self-renewal.

The options narrowed suddenly. In the morning, I thought I was out of work in August 2026; later the same day, it was December 2025. Disappointed by the earlier-than-expected timing, at least the ending was now clear. I'd kept it quiet, but now I had to let people know. I was in shock. Grieving and embarrassed, even ashamed about my career ending.

Sitting, eyes closed, cross-legged on the rug facing the garden, an image of me sealed tight in a dark, violent purple cloth-lined coffin appeared. I was trapped, scared, close to panic, and searching for calm. Suddenly, bright golden sunlight filtered through cracks, and I could see bright green trees and blue sky through the fabric. 

Somehow, the coffin lid lifted, and I floated out, up into the air—no choice but to enjoy this unusual, unique moment of levitation. I hovered above an empty, roofless, derelict red-brick house set against a contrasting green, hilly panorama. The lush vegetation seemed to me a metaphor for an opportunity for rebirth. Excited, I opened my eyes, grateful for my early-morning meditation and determined to make progress on my reconstruction plan. 

I started talking to friends and family about my ideas, looking for violent reactions and criticism to them. None came, more often strong encouragement, balanced against reservations about potential success of my plan. 

Coffee and lunches with smooth-talking entrepreneur types steering their own businesses through a networking and tax minefield, demonstrating confidently their ability to run a successful business. Imposter alarm klaxoning brutally in my head. Twenty-five years in an institution firmly crushed any fledgling Elon Musk tendencies. 

I kept exploring options, laying out little tests to see if I'm really interested. Will I read the whole book? Listen to the entire podcast? Enjoy the classes and the learning? How does it sound when you say the words writer or coach out loud? Can I take action to move forward?

So there I am, pivoting between excitement and fear. Somehow blocked, my chest feeling locked rigid; fear stopping me from moving from thought to action. My heart says I want it, and my intuition tells me it's possible. My head warns of a long, arduous journey without guarantee of success - better to stick with what I know. My emotions are pitching in. Doubt - What if you fail? Are you crazy to do this at 53? And then Shame. What if you are no good and everyone laughs at you? This need for recognition and positive reinforcement from others is holding me back. Personal transformation work never ends!

I keep going. The subconscious validation through meditation continues. My soul quietly tells me:" You are a life coach, a trainee counsellor, a writer, blogger, and potential podcaster". (The podcaster bit was a surprise! Not sure about that.) From thought to action. Yesterday I could be, and today I am. Just like that, I decide to move forward.