July - Tentative steps

My redundancy timing is confirmed, and I am making the first steps in my life change. Training to be a therapist helps me reflect on who I am and what I want.

Meditation makes it spiritual. It feels like I receive a calling. I visualise stone blocks and gravel shape-changing, morphing into a clear white space. I have an instinctive understanding that I will work helping people grow and develop. I feel sure it will happen. Then, from on high, I see greyish-white hills becoming pure white, snow-clad mountains. It's a meditative rebirth.

I feel very grateful for where I am and the opportunity I have. I think about the past 30 years, when I lived disconnected from my emotions. A life managing risks - living in fear and planning for when things go wrong. A good life that brought many rewards. Now I want a deeper connection with myself and others, more authentic communication, and creative expression.

In training, we explore John Keats’ negative capability, “that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason". This quote resonates with me - it’s a time for living with the fears and self-consciousness and being open to exploring all things.

My internal impulses are telling me to "Start moving", "Get out of your comfort zone", and "Overcome your internal barriers - try new things". But I am overwhelmed by ideas flooding in so fast I can't control them. I can't move. My chest feels locked. The fear keeps me trapped. Looking for certainty. Craving for Safety. Inactive. Procrastinating.

Back meditating. I fall off a cliff, dropping down fast, my body tenses. I hit a ball of energy that rushes up my spine, and a golden crown glowing with purple and red jewels illuminates my head. The energy soars skyward and disappears. I feel strong and confident. Connected to a deep-held belief that I can remake myself.